Conquering Chaos

Ep 8: Finding Purpose Amidst Pain with Alexis DelChiaro

May 21, 2019 Season 1 Episode 8
Conquering Chaos
Ep 8: Finding Purpose Amidst Pain with Alexis DelChiaro
Chapters
Conquering Chaos
Ep 8: Finding Purpose Amidst Pain with Alexis DelChiaro
May 21, 2019 Season 1 Episode 8
Erin E Hooley
Show Notes Transcript

Life doesn't always go as planned and the pains of those struggles can discourage but also define us. Join host Erin E Hooley and special guest Alexis DelChiaro as she shares her struggle with infertility which led her to launch a community that would go on to change the lives of countless others.

Speaker 1:
0:01
Welcome to the conquering chaos podcast. I'm your host, Aaron [inaudible], president and founder of multimillion dollar ecommerce children's clothing line, Bailey's blossoms. So it turns out I'm pretty good at business, but what really lights my soul on fire? It's providing other entrepreneurs and mompreneurs with the tools they need to truly succeed. So if you have a business or have one on your heart, you're in good company. Pull up a chair or dropping some ear buds and let's conquer some chaos today. Welcome
Speaker 2:
0:29
to another episode of the concrete chaos podcast. You're going to want to pull up a comfy chair for this one and settle on in because I have a special guest, Miss Alexis El Charro here with me. She is a TV host anchor and news reporter having worked with Fox 10 Arizona Qsi in San Diego, KNBC KTTV and that's only scratching the surface, so she has covered red carpet events, golden gloves, and even the American television awards in London. And aside from her obviously impressive career, she is the mother to two of the cutest kids on Instagram. And I'm so excited to have her here. Alexis, thank you so much for joining me. Oh, Aaron, thank you. I'm honestly so honored to be on your podcast. Thank you for asking me. Oh my goodness. No, it's such a pleasure to have you here and I just want to jump right on in because your story is just fascinating.
Speaker 2:
1:17
I'd love to know, what are your three biggest career highlights prior to becoming a mom? Wow, okay. That's a good question because yeah, I did enjoy an amazing career as a television news anchor and host and it was what I wanted to do since the fifth grade. Mrs Landis's music class. I, I knew that was my passion and I got to live out my dream. Boy, there were so many exciting moments. Um, some of the ones that you just mentioned like covering, uh, the Golden Globes and going to London, but you know what, I, I would say like the biggest, the biggest accomplishment for me was sitting down for five and a half hours every morning and helping people start their day. I know, I think there's something really special about doing a morning show because you are the beginning of a fresh page for everyone every single day. And it was, it was an honor to be able to sit down with people in some of their most vulnerable moments, you know, while they're in their pajamas or fresh out of the shower or still drinking that first cup of coffee.
Speaker 2:
2:19
That's, that was really what I loved about my career and why I was able to kind of create this community of my viewers, people who I feel like are my friends, even though we probably never met. Uh, I, that, that was such, that that made me really proud, something I was able to do. And, and I, and I honestly, I miss it now that I'm not doing TV news anymore. I love that. And you know, that actually brings up a great point too. So what is your morning routine look alike? Woo. Well, it does involve a lot of coffee. Yes. I have two toddlers, um, two and a half and three years old. So, you know, there's never a dull moment. I mean, honestly, the second that one of them opens their eyes, the day has begun for the whole family. Um, but you know, I love, I love my morning routine.
Speaker 2:
3:05
It just involves, like I said, a lot of coffee and every morning I sit down at the table with my kids while they're eating breakfast and we talk. Sometimes I record it for Instagram, sometimes just for myself, but you know, they're, they're little, but they have, they have words and they have feelings. And I hope that this is something I can continue with them as they get older, especially, you know, when they're teenagers just to have a conversation to start out the day and kind of set the mood for the day. I love that coming from this very glamorous career and moving into the whole motherhood scene, you've experienced some really massive changes based off of your heart and where your passion resides. Saying, okay, Alexis, you kill your rocks are over here, but your heart was pulling for something different and something more. Tell me more about that.
Speaker 2:
3:53
Yeah. You know, and I did love my career. I loved it so much and it was something I enjoyed doing and I don't think that everybody can say that about their job. So it was a hard decision for me to leave my career, but at the same time, it wasn't hard at all because I know exactly what I wanted to do. And more than being a news anchor, I wanted to be a mom. And because it took me so long to finally become a mom, once I had that honor and had those babies in my arms, I was not about to let go. So yeah, I wear the same pair of yoga pants for like five days in a row, just flipping them inside and out so you don't have to wash them as often. And, and I'm not sitting in hair and makeup in the morning and I'm not interviewing Hugh Jackman, but I am doing the best work of my life.
Speaker 2:
4:42
You know, I'm raising two human beings. And I think because it was something that I wanted for so long, I mean, it is a privilege to be a mom for sure, but it's just something I really feel every single day, uh, because it was such a tough journey. I love that you touch on that because I think it's so important that struggle is so intense at times within our lives. These tests in these trials that were given, and yet that same struggle, which can be all consuming, can also be the exact thing that shapes and molds us and even propels us onto a different degree, a different path than maybe we otherwise would choose. But we can use it to propel us into a potential within ourselves that oftentimes we don't even see yet. So let's talk about that journey for you. What did that look like?
Speaker 2:
5:30
Yeah. Well, I mean, I always wanted to be a mom. Um, and you know, when you get married you think start having kids or some people wait. But I wanted, my husband and I wanted to have kids right away. And so we started trying, and I don't know, within the first few months, I just, I felt like something was wrong and there, there was nothing wrong. I just expected that like, oh, I'd be pregnant after four months and you know, I'd, I'd have five kids that by 35. And that was totally not the case. Um, we ended up getting pregnant then naturally after about nine months, um, it was, uh, early miscarriage, about nine weeks. And that was so painful for anyone who's ever experienced a miscarriage. There's really nothing quite like it. The, the sadness and the grief and the pain and that, uh, only intensified over the next four years.
Speaker 2:
6:23
Over the next four years, we tried everything to conceive. We did five rounds of Clomid, one IUI, three rounds of unsuccessful IVF and nothing worked. We basically, doctors told me that I would never be able to conceive. And annoyingly, it was because of unexplained infertility, so they could never tell me why. Like it wasn't like I was missing my uterus or something. Yeah, it was just, they couldn't tell me why. Um, so I honestly, I couldn't believe that. I just didn't believe that it couldn't happen unless you could explain why. So I though, although that was probably one of the worst days of my life, hearing that news, uh, I always had hope. So then we started down the adoption path and cause, you know, I always wanted to adopt, it was in my heart for a long time. I just in my mind thought that we would get pregnant to have a couple of kids and then adopt.
Speaker 2:
7:21
Well, God had other plans. He said, nope, that's not how it's going to work. Uh, but even still, we went through a failed adoption, which was, I can't even explain how devastating that was. You know, when you think that you're bringing a baby home and then, and then you're not a, so it was a rough four years, I'll tell you, I was so depressed and so sad and just really, really struggling in all areas of my life. And that is why I eventually stopped working. Um, as a news anchor, I, I stopped signing contracts to stay at stations because I was just, I was not in the right state of mind. It was hard to wake up every morning and pretend to be happy and cheerful when I was not, you know, when I really just wanted to lay in bed and cry all day. At the time.
Speaker 2:
8:08
Did you realize that you were dealing with depression or is that something that you recognized in hindsight? No, looking back I don't, I wouldn't have classified it as that. Like I knew I was really sad, but I never would have called it depression because I think, I don't know if you're in denial or if you know when it's happening to you in the moment, you can't really see it. But yeah, I mean I was to the point where like, I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want to see friends. I mean going to baby showers or kids' birthday parties was totally out of the question because I tried and some, it was too hard. It was too hard and I, I was hoping that my friends would understand, you know, my pain and be able to be able to forgive me. And you know, because, because boy, it was a rough couple of a couple of years, I can't even imagine.
Speaker 2:
9:02
I had a miscarriage before Bailey and it was about 12 weeks along and at that point it was, oh my goodness, it was so devastating. It was absolutely horrendous. And I remember for three days being on the couch and not wanting to get up and not wanting to, to do anything and looking at my husband like, how dare you smile at me? How could you possibly be happy? The world is not okay, right? Why are people walking around being okay and going on with their life as if this horrible thing hasn't happened when you're just in the depths of that grief and that despair and you just become so frustrated with the world and all the people in it who don't share that pain with you. And it's this never ending grief cycle because you every month, you know you are hopeful and you think this could be the month and you have to be optimistic, you know you have to or what else is life and then it doesn't work.
Speaker 2:
10:00
And then there's the anger and the sadness and the fear and then it starts all over again because you know, and for four years I was doing that and it was just, it was too much. You know, I, looking back, I, gosh, I don't even really know how I survived because it was where, how our marriage survived or how I had still have any friends. It was so hard. But I do feel like there was purpose in what happened to me and I know, I know that part of the why for me anyways is to be able to tell my story, to help other women inspired to, to make a difference when you feel like you're all alone and isolated. Right. I love that. Now, for those who are listening who may be going through something similar who are in the depths of it, what would you say to them?
Speaker 2:
10:55
What would you say to help them to be able to cope through that pain and through that grief? The thing is is that if you really want to be a mom, you will be. You absolutely will be. It's not going to be in your time or how you thought or you know what you always envisioned. But if you want to be a mom you absolutely will be. And I understand if infertility treatments are not for you, I understand if adoption is not for you, I mean I get it cause it's, there are so many options and so many ways, thankfully just keep, keep hope alive. Like never ever give up. I mean four years is a long time to struggle, but I know women took eight years or 10 years, but they never gave up because you know that's your dream. You got to keep going for it.
Speaker 2:
11:41
I love how that passion was driving you the entire time and how important it is to really hone in on if you're passionate about something and if you really want something, maybe the way that you get it is going to change. And then maybe you're going to have to be flexible and allowing your dreams to be shaped. But that doesn't mean that you need to give up on what you want. It just means that you need to be flexible and work to create that new passion. So what did that look like for you? Oh Man. Well I mean, uh, like uh, two years in I realized I had this thought as I mentioned that maybe the why in all of this. Cause I was really struggling. Like, why is this happening to me? Why is this so hard? Why can everybody else get pregnant easily and I can't.
Speaker 2:
12:22
And I, and I thought, well, maybe it's because I need to talk about it. I need to share my experience and share my story. And that's why I created what the fertility, a community for women trying to conceive or trying to create their family a place to go to to find out you're not alone and to hear other stories and uh, I ideas like, oh, have you heard about this new drug or have you talked to this adoption agency? Like, there's so many resources out there. Um, and so that gave me like some comfort and thinking, okay, this is sucks when I'm going through, but maybe I can help someone else and if I can do that, then maybe this is all worth it. Uh, so creating what the fertility did help me, but I have to be honest at the same time, like this was in some of my darkest days.
Speaker 2:
13:13
And so I was trying to create this being of light when I was really dark. And so it was hard for me to sit down at my computer and even type some days I didn't even want to like talk about my feelings. I didn't want to share. Uh, but I did, I mean, and I'm glad that I did. I pushed through and, and you know, looking back, I wish I would have been a little stronger, been able to do it more. That's amazing. And I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit because what an incredible beacon of strength to be able to put yourself out there and not after it's been resolved and after the pain is over, but in the middle of the pain to be able to create a network where women can support one another through that. That's incredible. That's great. Well thank you.
Speaker 2:
13:58
Thank you. Yeah, it is. I mean, in the middle of the pain is always the hardest. You know, if, if you could know that everything was going to be okay, you're going to get pregnant, you're going to get that job, you're going to get married than it would be. It would be so much easier. Right. But part of that is having the faith and, and I just knew that like, I wouldn't live a life where I wasn't a mom. I knew it. And so that was the drive behind it the entire time. But yeah, I'm not gonna lie. It was really hard. It was, it was difficult, but I'm so glad that I did it and that, you know, it's, it's still an Everly active community. I love it. I really want to dig into this a little deeper too, about how you've taken your struggle to define a portion of your future.
Speaker 2:
14:43
You created something based off of these experiences that, and correct me if I'm wrong, that you probably wouldn't have put this into the world without those experiences. If it had been easy for you to become a mother, you never would have conceived this concept to create through your passion to become a mom community, to bless the lives of other people. That's incredible. I heard this quote, it says the wound is where the light enters and it really struck me because I feel like, yeah, of course I, if I would have that first pregnancy, not had a miscarriage and gone on to have several biological children of my own than this, we probably wouldn't be having this conversation or the hundreds of other conversations I've had with women about infertility and adoption because I'm so passionate about them. Um, and the other thing is I wouldn't have my son who we adopted and I can't imagine living my life without him.
Speaker 2:
15:42
You know, he's, he was always had to be my son, but now I realize if things had gone differently than he wouldn't be with us, which I just, that's, that's hard to think about. But yeah, I think that when you are going through something difficult, it's hard to, it's hard to see the light. Right. Cause you're, it's dark and you're struggling and you can't get, you can't find your way out. For me this, in talking about it and, and opening up the conversation. Yeah. Because it is, it's isolating and it's lonely. And I have had so many women that have reached out to me and said, I am in the middle of my struggle. I am in so much pain. I am so sad. But hearing your story gives me hope. And that makes me happier than anything because why? No, when I was in my darkest days, I was constantly searching for hope, finding to look for the light.
Speaker 2:
16:39
Um, and now that, that I have my happy ending and my two beautiful children. It's true. Like that wound that is still raw and it's still there. I don't ever know if it will go away. Uh, but that wound is where the light is coming from for me. That that difficult spot, that painful period is still where the light is shining from. Right. And how much of that light do you believe is gratitude? Oh my gosh, like almost a hundred percent. Because you said it, I mean, when you work for something, like if it's a job and you're trying to get a promotion or in a marriage, whatever it is, when you work really hard, um, and you have to, it's not just given to you then you appreciate it so much more. And I'm not, I mean, I have two toddlers like life around here. Is it like rainbows and butterflies?
Speaker 2:
17:34
Like don't get me wrong. You know, even the hardest of days are the hardest of moments here now. It is not more difficult than a day of infertility. Like there's just, there's no comparing the that there, there will be nothing that, that we can't handle. Now that I have my kid. Well it's a perspective shift. Your, your experience has proven you and shown you just how capable you are. And it's funny, we were actually just having a management meeting yesterday talking about hard things and there's always struggles in business and just in life you constantly have to redefine yourself and who you are and where you're going in order to stay top of mind and relevant in your past can't be your future, but it can drive your future. One of the examples my husband actually shared was about the California wildfires and how devastating they were and how they would go through these homes for the refrigerator was melted in, the oven was melted in, the microwave was melted to the ground and yet they would see the occasional fireplace because they're made of stone.
Speaker 2:
18:35
And on one particular fireplace there stood a vase and it was perfectly intact. Comfort Inn in suit and Chard, but, but intact. And people were baffled saying, well, how, how in the world did this Baus make it? And yet as the search of consider the process that it Avaaz goes through to become a vase there, they're sculpted in, they're molded and then they're fired in a kiln. It had already been through that refining process. So when that intense heat and that devastation came again, it was standing strong because it had already been through that refiner's fire. It's prepared and it knows how to survive because it's been there before and that preparation dispels the fear and you become confident in the experiences of your past and the foundation that it sets as you move forward into your future. I love that. Yeah, you're so right. And the thing is just even the understanding that there will be more fires, there will be more difficulties and you just have to find a way to persevere and get through them.
Speaker 2:
19:39
I honestly think that talking about our problems and our issues and our fears and our concerns is like how it will help so much. Whatever you're going through, if you can find someone who you can talk to about it, it just really will make a world of difference. Absolutely. And you've created this network where people can connect with people in a likeminded fashion who are going through similar things and be able to just be purely understood and what a, that's a huge, huge advantage in a huge blessing to so many people. I love that. So tell me about coming over that Hump and what did that look like and how did that further shape what you were trying to create? It wasn't until I was holding my, my babies in my arms that I was like, okay, I'm a mom. It wasn't when we met our birth mom or when I found out I was miraculously pregnant after four years at those.
Speaker 2:
20:32
In those moments, I felt gratitude. Like, because progress is huge when you've been stuck, you know, in the same place for so long. You know, we found out, we met our birth mom on December 1st December 7th I found out I was pregnant. And so I was technically pregnant when we met our birth mom. But I didn't know. And that's like another timing thing that always gives me the chills because if we had known the chances that we would have flown out to Arizona to beat our meat, our birth mom were small, you know, it would have, I, I don't know if I would have wanted to get her involved if per chance, you know, I was going to be pregnant and anyways, so, um, and I thought, you know, the two, the two things that could happen are both could happen. We could have, we could adopt our son and I could have a healthy pregnancy or uh, the adoption could be failed again and I might miscarry again.
Speaker 2:
21:22
Cause that's, that's the only kind of pregnancy I'd ever known is miscarriages. So I was hopeful. I was grateful, I was excited that something was happening, things were changing, but not until 10 days after he was born and we signed the birth mom signed the paperwork that we could adopt him was I like, okay, I, I'm a mom. Yeah, this is happening. And then five months later my daughter was born and she was actually two weeks late. And oddly enough, in those two weeks I was having these weird feelings, like, is this, is this really happening? Like the infertility feelings were creeping up again, like where is she? Like, why is she late? What's going on? Um, so finally that moment that I held her, it was, Ugh, I will never forget. It was the, just the greatest feeling in the world. That's amazing. And now that you have your two babies and clearly this passion that you have created around this community, you know, is that still intact or how has that changed?
Speaker 2:
22:20
No. Well, I mean like, yeah, I don't have as much time for, but um, but actually it turned into something different. Um, because before, when I started the blog, it was kind of just about me and my experiences, but I'm only just one person. This is just my story. Like, you know, if anybody going through trials like this, they're all unique. All the stories and the ways to becoming a mom are all different. And so that, I was like, okay, that's what I need to do. So now my blog, yes I do blog myself, but it's mainly comprised of like guest bloggers who tell us all of their different stories from, you know, fostering to adoption to surrogacy. I, their stories are just so inspiring. Oh, that's amazing. I love that. So you've really been able to take this pain it through this journey to create a passion that has really turned into something that you never could have dreamed up for.
Speaker 2:
23:13
And through your journey in that continual evolution, you've allowed that product to evolve along with you. I love seeing when women are able to be driven by something bigger than themselves and they can hone in on what that is and utilize their experiences to fuel that. And what a testament to you that you were able to do that through such an intense trial and struggle in your life. But you know, even some of the women who guest blog for me, um, at first were like, I don't really know if I want to talk about it or my family doesn't really know. And of course there's always an option to be anonymous. That's totally fine. But I've found that in that sharing, there's something Cathartic about it. And in, you know, taking that pain and, and flipping it had so many women say, I feel so much better.
Speaker 2:
24:00
I feel like a bit freer in sharing my story, whether you're still in it or it's already happened. And I think that that's really powerful, you know, cause that's something you can do for yourself. And I think we're more powerful than we realize sometimes. I love that. I love that. For those who may be struggling, if you could give them three tangible steps to help them find that light within the wound, as you said before, what would they be? Well, I would say first of all, to take it slow because, because in, in when you are struggling, um, jumping into anything can be difficult. It's like some days, like I say, it was the struggle to even open my laptop was like, I couldn't even handle that. So take it slow and, and always check in with your feelings. Like, is this okay? Is this too much and should I, can I give more?
Speaker 2:
24:51
Um, then I would say like find a community. So maybe you get online and find some, uh, likeminded people in anonymous groups or maybe you have friends that you can talk about these things with because I think that when that's happening to you, you can't quite see the bigger picture. Um, and there were so many things that I think that, you know, that I could have done better or more had I had, I had done this and reach out to other people, but I was just not in a place to do so. So I would definitely say like, find your community even if it's difficult. Um, and, and help let them help you build your passion. And then thirdly, I would say in the times when it's dark and when you are struggling, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel to see the purpose.
Speaker 2:
25:40
But I encourage you to think bigger. Think beyond your own pain, your own struggle. Because if you're going through it hundreds, millions that like so many other people are too. So think bigger and, and know that what you're doing isn't just about you. Even though you're included. And that I think could help you center yourself a bit. No, I love that. What have you learned about yourself through this whole process? Whoa, so much. Well, I, you know, I'm way stronger than I thought. I mean, I always thought it was a tough Gal, but man, I went through some really hard things. Do you know what though? I really think it made me a better, like a better mom. I'm more patient than I would have been had I not because I had to wait for my kids. Um, and I'm just more, I'm just more grateful.
Speaker 2:
26:34
I'm just more appreciative and the little things like I, it's hard to be a mom, right? You know, it's the best job ever, but it is so hard. But, uh, it's, I just am so thankful for my little people every single day. I love seeing how strong you really are in that light that you clearly emulate from you, from those, from those challenges that have really kind of proven and shaped who you are. And it's clear just from watching your Instagram story, you are one heck of a mom. So I'm, I'm home that you've been able to craft that dream for yourself and see it become a reality. That's incredible. Alexis, you are fantastic. Where can people find more of you for find more of this community that you have created. Thank you so much. Yeah, it's called what the fertility.com. And so that's the blog.
Speaker 2:
27:24
And then we're also on Instagram and Facebook at what the fertility and then if you want to meet my kids, granted Jianna my almost twins. Um, I share a lot, probably too much of them on Instagram and that's just my name, Alexis de Ltro. Awesome. Thank you so much. This has been so great. I love the whole concept that whatever the struggle of pain you're experiencing, the message is really the same and you can create a passion amongst it and come out with so much more strength and really seeing who you are and recognizing what your potential really is. Alexis, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Thank you for having me, Aaron. It was a pleasure to finally meet you.
Speaker 1:
28:05
You too. Thank you for taking the time to connect with me here on the conquering chaos podcasts. If you enjoyed this episode, will you please take a moment to leave a review? It's the fuel to my fire and lets me know that my efforts to enact change and broaden your perspective of what's possible matter. Thank you so much for your support. If you want more content like this, don't forget to subscribe and connect with me on social media at Aaron evenly or at Aaron equally. Dot Com. Have a fantastic day. Get out there and congressman, chaos.